She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
