I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
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