Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
