College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
