I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
