she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
