For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
