My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
