in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
