I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
