I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
