Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize