I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
