Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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