I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
