i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
