smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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