My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Randomize
