I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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