I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
