she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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