You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize