I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
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