i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
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