The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
