just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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