Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
