Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
