I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
