69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
