I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize