theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
