We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
