im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
