I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
