I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize