I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Randomize
