theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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