apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Randomize