literally had 100 drinks last night.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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