is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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