Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
