definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize