He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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