i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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