It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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