We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Randomize
