I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
