I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
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