Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
