Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
