Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
