Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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