I think my fart just growled at me.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize