Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Randomize
