I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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