Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Randomize
