so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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