Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Randomize