he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
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