Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
