I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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